sleepingroots

This whole sending email from flash thing is a lot harder than I expected. I've tried a few different script approaches (using actionscript 2.0 and php), including loadVars commands which are supposed to be the idiot-proof route.
Le humph. I felt like I was really rocking my learning curve but now I feel so much less progressive! I've had a few opportunities to actually make some cash, but I don't feel right adopting other projects until I've actually finished my first flash website. It's coming though, it's coming. The day it is released will be a happy day indeed. Perhaps I will even get the rest of my tat done for free, as per thanks. -here's hoping-

I am looking for a place in Ottawa
and a job in Toronto
and a job and a place in Peterborough

I am not looking too hard in any account.
I still feel a little suspended, as if in a magical solipsist crystal ball wherein reality is so far diluted no one wants to make life altering decisions.

Annecdote of the day: Raw Power is an excellent album to embrace some baser instincts to.

This place is still cold and grey (and sometimes even -20C). I am not pleased with the turn of events.

 

Even listening to The Microphones accoustic sets doesn't placate me. Although March is looking promising. Next weekend I'm going to Peterborough to get tattooed. The following weekend we are hosting a St. Pat's + Shawn is Home from BC kegger (home brew!) on Saturday (first day of springgg <3) and Sunday is the first annual GoGreen Expo at Lansdowne Park! I am helping the Green Party by running an info booth. Then Jason Collett the following weekend at The Montreal House (Parker - you should come!!).

A friend of mine from way back in elementary school is moving out west shortly, so this may be a good time to extend one of my Peterborough ventures into a half week of vacation time in Toronto. I will be more inclined to make the journey after I hear from an old neighbourhood Picton friend Sarah, as she has been bit by the Judy Chicago bug and Chicago's work is on display all this month in Toronto.

Have I mentioned Patti Smith is completely worth obsessing over? Of course I wouldn't have to, she is a force in and of herself.

Last night you told me how
the credit bureau was coming
how bell canada never called.
nofirstnotice nolastnotice
for two years      now it's you and me and a television humming
dumbly and dimly dubbing our silence with familiar static
Whose taken years from you.
when I try to imagine  There is an empty space for you there
with no one but a talking box.

He offers you money
to be his mother after his
Eightballs and whiskey breathe drag shit and sand across
the temple of no reward.
They left you to rot with an empty womb
a child on each breast while you lay on a bed ridden
with cigarette burns, too big for sleep-
haunted by tuesday night reruns.

But the subsidized rent doesn't make up
for moments lost never leaving those dirty doors
waiting for another broadcasted affection or a knock at 6am:
again and again suspended by
eightballs, whiskey breathe and the talking box.

I have been thankful for 4 or 5 degrees above zero.

This stale landscape frustrates me. The vastness presented by the bike trails coupled with the stark stature of electrical towers entices me to twilight ventures and lungs filled up.

I want the air to smell moist and live.

 

homemade pizza all from scratch, cold sheets feel wet, late night drives across toothepick bridges, "you can walk home", hownowhownow, clatter of mass dining halls to serve; white or red? do you tip? higher hourly rate, no raise no raise. Insincere and passive attentions- span(s) dont span like dry dough snaps. knee jerk reaction or just jerk, parallel lines do not align all of the solipsism draws space between our forms. sleep is heavy not replenishing. waiting to defrost with that shivering mass embedded deep tiny at the bottom of where you wonder where to go

Where can we get a leader like that?

Damn!

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=VjnygQ02aW4

Crystal scotch glasses don't mean much to me.

Last night Hans and I met up at Benson Park.
The weather here is like a dream of March or April--- the snow is all melted, the air has that crisp clean feel that comes with the fertility of spring. All of the smells and associations of the season came flooding back to me as we walked the emptied streets, glittering with fractioned reflections of orange streetlamp light. It was a fundamental joy to sit in the children's play structure, light up a fatty and be dissolved in the organic bond that was established so many years ago. We talked about our lives and the time we've spent, our lovers and our parents who are trying to overcome their addictions.
After the session, it felt as if a beer was in order. Hans brought me down to the Acoustic Grill, which I remember as the Old Codjiggers, a bar my dad used to frequent back after we'd just moved to The County. It was just one rooom and it was packed to the brim. They had Guinness on tap, and not much else-- although Hans tried this light wheat beer from Alberta called The Grasshopper. Our conversations extended to our most recent thoughts, fascinations and obsessions. Specifically we discussed how eerie and finite the communication between the conscious self and the human body is. The most frightening aspect about the subjectivity of our physical selves and the disconnect we all share from the direct furry of this universe, is how over time our ability to communicate with that vessel which holds us to this dimension dulls. It becomes less accurate and more variables contribute to our nerves interpretation of information. As our knowledge of this world increases over time our actual ability to perceive, process and manipulate it, contrarily is dissolving.
There was a "Faux New Years" party going down at this bar, where there were a lot of people from our old elementary school. We ran into Nathan Garrett, who I sat beside all through 8th grade. It was really cool to run into Nathan because he went to PECI and really haven't seen him since we were 13. He was really affectionate and hasn't seemed to change too much. Always a chatter and very intelligent. We reminisced about our class and how a few of us have turned out-- one of our classmates was arrested this past fall for murder. Apparently people were high on e and drunk and there was some kind of dispute and Dan Thompson stabbed this kid a few times behind the Giant Tiger. Apparently a Montague-Capulet-esque family feud started to brew as a result of this loss and somehow youtube videos were involved. Nonetheless it wasn't completely surprising-- Dan wasn't exactly the advocate for peace and working out your issues with words.

It's cathartic to see the sign-posts in my life, a person who has seen the many faces, knows the facts and the abstract and intimate.
Hans expressed a fear that he won't meet friends as good as he's had. It's a valid fear. Time passes, people develop into new directions and wear new skins. We have to slowly peel off all the layers of change and time before the comprehensive, complex totality of true self can ever be known.
Sometimes it just isn't possible to allow the soft layers, as transparent as they could be to honestly be seen.

Please check out the album Devotion by Beach House, it is impossible to be disappointed.

I'm at Jo's in Peterborough right now. This has definitely been successful. I got all kinds of Xmas love and gifts from the shop (Greg is spacing the second set of holes in my ears-- hoping to get to a 4g eventually) and got to spend all kinds of time with Jo right before her birthday! Presented Greg with the site idea, got an amazing domain name and have everything I need! Greg is totally on board and was in a little disbelief at first. Jay and I spent a couple hours going through the gallery as is and getting all the details on the art-- touch up? before/after? flash? custom? other artists design? this one is from an album cover...   and I grabbed a tonne more photos from Jay's camera. I still need to go through a few hundred photos with him but we have some serious starting points.

As far as Xmas I'm leaving to Picton on Xmas Eve. Steve is on duty and I don't plan on being back in Ottawa until Jan 3rd or 4th... So hopefully we will be able to have some holiday time together.

New Years is still an Up-In-The-Air event for me. I would ideally like to spend some time in Toronto, if not crashing on QSTW then maybe staying in a hostel. Trying to get Jo to accompany me on this adventure. I really want to see the "pony squad" and all "steel" affiliates.

Going to get blitzed with LTC tonight! Miss him big time.

Now to face the snow.
 

This snow storm can stop now. It can totally bypass Ontario, especially Sunday.

Please totally bypass us, especially Sunday.


Oh man last minute ridesharing is always a bit stressful. An amazing gift idea for Greg + The Shop came to me on Monday: Their very own custom flash website including a .com domain name, hosting, a comprehensive photo gallery of their artists work, split up into numerous albums and subcatergories. I had to do a bunch of research to find out how to implement SEO, because flash doesn't show up in Google as well. HOLY FRIG I couldn't believe the breakdown! The most important factors: meta keywords, title of the page, number of pages linking to yours... Once my baby is birthed I will post the URL. I'm pumped to design my first flash website!

So anyhow, I need to go see Greg now so I can finalize some concepts and get his OK (and find out what kind of trademarks, intellectual property rights, etc., are surrounding Mind Over Matter and Jay's art). If this weekend goes well, this should be ready by New Years, or shortly thereafter. I need to scan the books and take photos of the shop and y'know, present Greg with his present! If this turns out well, I might get into site development/design on a part time/on the side basis. The $$$ to be made are reTARded.

On a completely unrelated note: Kimya Dawson should not be considered a musician/song writer.

It took us 4 hours to get to Perth.
FOUR HOURS FROM OTTAWA
Of driving across Ontario-- Northern Ontario, Arnprior, Renfrew towards North Bay and wherever the 511 is to get 1/3 of the distance to our destination: Peterborough.

Alex was a real impromptu-ride share. We made plans very last minute, although I had already arranged a carpool to and from Peterborough, there was transit involved on my behalf, the fair was more expensive, they were separate drivers and both men. Alex was definitely the best possible choice! She picked me up and dropped me off door to door-- haha, but what a journey the entire weekend was. The time we spent trying to find HWY 7 from Ottawa gave lots of opportunity to break the ice. She ended up being a fire eater/performer/videographer who was so unpretentious/open/genuine awesome person that spends all her free time traveling to music and art festivals like Burning Man and Om. Going across Alaska and the NWT. She was a Montrealer for a while (fine-arts at Concordia) and those 6-7hrs in the car passed by so fluidly.
So after we finally make it to Peterborough, we find a place to park the car and it turns out her party is down the street from Jo's apartment building. We parted ways and offered a couch for late night-drunk detours but had our separate weekends until Sunday.


Seeing Jo was as always a very enriching and nurturing venture. It was snowing constantly so we spent our time drinking wine and having the leisure of each others company. We rented Little Otik and a couple of seasons of Bullshit. The episode they do on PeTA is fabulous. Little Otik was odd, had some clamation/stop motion and involved this infertile couple and the damage their inability to reconcile their emotions causes. Erin and Greg stopped by for the end of Little Otik, and we made Snicker-doodles.

Greg did an awesome job on my piercings! He put a 14g in my tragus, and did my industrial (both 16g) all so quickly with very little pain! All three of those cartilage piercings were done cleanly and within 5 minutes all the jewelry was in. They were less painful then my free-handed rook done by Blair at New Tribe. Gregor accidentally knocked all of the silver balls down from the table, and the longest part of the whole process was Greg going to get new balls. He's a very experienced, clean piercer and I'm glad he's happy in Peterborough. He has some new pinball machines in the shop too! One Tales From The Crypt which  even tells CKs cheesy jokes! Got to see some progress on my tatt design by Jason King (!!!). I won't be getting it until Feb/Mar but it was really great to see some preliminary sketches. I'm getting the Acherontia Styx or Death's Head Hawk Moth done on my sternum. The design is very textured and he has one with the full wing span, and where it's landed. I think that I'm probably going to go with the full wing span because it will rest more on the upper part of my sternum, where my body is less likely to change shape over time. But I made some specifications about dimension and the predominance of the skull design inherent in the moth. So far I feel really comfortable and really excited with what Jay's put together. I'm really excited to see something in colour towards the end of January. I really like going through the process of a custom piece, especially because it's going to be my first major tattoo-- I'm looking for full on grey scale, done with oranges, browns and white highlights. When I first conceived of a moth to be tattooed on my chest I knew immediately I wanted it be done realistically. I like the idea of the "night butterfly" as it's been coined, and the moth has always acted as a positive symbol of childhood. Luna's used to fly through Picton and one landed on the fence of my schoolyard and it walked along my hands. I remember that experience well. I like the chrysalis metaphor associated with moths and butterflies alike, and I feel it's commemorative of my official passage from adolescence to adulthood. Then there's the whole celestial navigational system inherent in the moth- always attracted to light. I like that about moths, and have been trying to do the same in a less literal sense. I assigned Jo my next tattoo, which she can have ONLY if she starts inking in the next 5 years. I'd like a tattoo to honour Loki and all the critical influence the symbols tied to his name have sometimes had on this universe and my life. On the day I moved from Toronto to Ottawa I went to New Tribe to get the infinity symbol done behind my ear. It wasn't painful, it was very fast. In fact, I had a stronger impulse to giggle then to cry out in pain, with the vibrations behind my jaw. Less than 10 minutes for sure, and it turned out beautifully. The lines are crisp and the placement is right for me. It was a nice introduction to tattoos and I can see how the pain will intensify as the session progresses. I hear Jason has good bedside manor, as he's put beautiful work on both Ryan and Jo as well as all kinds of other people (he worked in TO for 10 yrs and now is at Mind Over Matter with Greg, teaching Ryan the trade actually) including the drummer from the Dead Kennedys and members of D.O.A and Iron Maiden. His ability to translate art onto the body is ridiculous. I know I am in good hands so a 4-5hr session shouldn't be too hard. I also have lots of time to prepare.

Sunday Jo broke out her sewing machine and we worked on a few pieces respectively. I found this old t-shirt that must have been my Dad's way back, but it had an illustration of Satan flying through the air having intercourse with a lower level demon, while the demon is holding a decapitated head by the hair. The caption is "2012: Old Time Relijun" and Jo took the print and transplanted it for me. This was also the day after Parker's birthday (happy 20th!), so we met up at a coffee shop on George St. Peterborough's downtown reminds me of a smaller, tamer, Q St W. There are a lot of beautiques and coffee shops and bars, all done in that quaint way with the Victorian ceiling and lots of colour, lots of murals and art in the streets. We headed to a pool room and grabbed a Guiness, played a couple of games and caught up. Haven't seen Parker in some time and it was nice to see how he's doing.

Sunday evening, after Alex arrives around 10p she tells me that she got into an accident on the way from Toronto and when she drove over 80km the car would rattle and shake in an oh-no-I-hope-the-axle-doesn't-bust kind of way. So we decided it would be safer to stay the night, seeing as we wouldn't arrive until 2am or so, and the roads were only getting worse towards Ottawa. So Alex stayed with us, giving ample opportunity to cook a delicious breakfast in the morning and see Jo off to work. Which is why Jo wasn't present to see my house keys get hit by several cars consecutively! Alexis and I were crossing the street and bam! Dropped my keys. Most of the drivers avoided them but the few who didn't did some damage. I was able to salvage my house key, bike key, Steam Whistle beer opener and my batman keyring, at least.

The drive itself back to Ottawa was beautiful, and it seemed that the problems from the night before could be attributed to a chunk of ice or something that must have melted off overnight, because the car was fine now.
We talked about how our weekends went and how unfortunate it is when someone uses the love you provide them against themselves. The conversations were lucid and intimate.
We thought we were home free when we were in Ottawa. Steve was going to pick us up, drop Alex off at Meadowlands and Fisher and an extended road trip would conclude itself. But as we're all driving off in Steve's car, his engine starts to over heat, really quickly and rapidly! We ended up pulling over every block or so to let the engine cool/throw snow down. Steve called Nic, who was having supper with his parents and Kristen, so Ross gave us some advice which barely got us home and got Alex to Meadowlands+Merivale.

I thought the traveling was going to be much more simple, but it was well worth it.

I will post piercing pics once Ryan gets around to sending them to me.

EDIT: I just discovered that Old Time Relijun is a band formed in Oregon, a nice mix of noise/lowfi/experimental.
Whattayaknow.

holy frig long distance blows
Steve is so incredibly wonderful! I did not think all these sorts of excellent were included in a single human form! I miss him dearly. I went to Amy Howitt's place and drank wine and ate a delicious cupcake made by Danny. Amy is now 21, hurrah Amu. Jenn is in town from Montreal and it is bad ass to see her. I wish Steven was not in Ottawa. :( Having so much passion between two people certainly can make any unpleasant experience much more bearable when accompanied by their presence.
sleepj

ROCKON.

I'm leaving Canada for the first time in my life ever! Haha, I am going to New Jersey for the Summer Solstice. I will meet up with my amigo Jordan and we will get high and smoke American cigarettes and have a huge bonfire sacrifice of worldly possessions. We're gunna go to NYC and explore the largeness of the famous metropolitan.

Weeeeee

I feel pretty accomplished today. :)

I woke up to find Hailey was back home and that she'd brought her sister and mom back also! Sam is graduating this year and they're all going shopping for her prom stuff. We hit up Fashion Crimes, which I think is my favourite dress store in Toronto... and I hope Sam finds some shoes she likes. I had to dip early on the shopping expedition to make some food for Mark and Kirk's potluck. I made scalloped potatoes. I simmered the half and half with crushed garlic and layered the potatoes with Italian mozzarella and mushrooms, topped with asparagus. I am very excited to deliver this noshing-goodness to the Royal Pembrooke studio. Once I finished I had to drop Scott's keys off for him at his work and was rewarded with yet another free coffee! Hahaha, ever since Scott has started working at Second Cup I'm getting so much free stuff! He's made me a few $7 drinks for freeee and many a cup of Jo has been handed out.

Days like this make me think of how I'll really miss Queen St West living. I've decided to pack up and go out West with Celtic Reforestation in November. I'll get to save a pretty polly and spend 5 months in the bush, living in a log cabin, hanging out with rednecks in the middle of BC (and hopefully Mr. Chris Fenton... as I really don't have a shot Beetle Probing without the Fenton. And Lord knows all of the sexist lumberjack folk will drive me.) I really hope all goes well on this one but I don't want to jinx it. Beetle Surveying/Probing is actually pretty hard to get into, so I'm basically relying on Chris to pull some strings... But if not, Treeplanting is plenty easier to get hired for. I was also hoping to do some volunteer work with the Red Cross somewhere outside of Canada, assuming I'm not too homesick. So if I'm not able to make it out to BC for November, I'll do some volunteer work instead and then make money once I come back, treeplanting. Either way, bases are covered.

The other day Aime, Scott and I went to this awesome little diner called Bellwood I believe (right beside Trinity Bellwood Park) which had some cheap pitchers of RR and incredibly cheap and delicious homemade Angus grade hamburgers. Anyway, this is just after I'd gotten back from Ottawa last weekend and had formed my rough plan for the next few months. I broke the news of leaving the city to Scotty+Aimes and was a little surprised but kind of relieved that they were pretty sad to hear of my likely departure. I feel really confident and comfortable with my friendship with Scott and super glad we've gotten along so well all year. I don't think we've had any kind of friction and I'm real happy to have this new friend in my life. Aime is such a wonderful addition to the Denison dynamic and I'm rooting for those two 110%.There will be big time couch surfing after I get back from British Columbia, as I expect I will be in dire need to bright lights, busy streets and dirty air.

Oh, what uncertain yet fruitful times. Cheers!

A very old friend of mine once said
that either way you look at it
I have my fits
you have your fits
but feeling is good

------

spring is coming
spring is coming
spring is coming
spring is COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can smell the earth waking up! I can venture outdoors in just a sweater. I really, really LOVE how optimistic spring seems to make people feel. It's like all winter long we quietly convince ourselves it will never end; we will be entombed in ice and snow and dirty street slush for many more months. But now I can smell the dirt thaw. The birds are singing with a vibrance that, on a much more irritable or sleep deprived day, might drive me mad. Summer's anticipation is jolting me with excitement as that lazy, hibernating feeling melts away as quickly as the remnants of the season which inspired it.

Very nice.

Some kind of infection broke lose and caused people to decompose rapidly while alive. I was standing in a large group of people in a typically public area when the infection broke. I ran like fuck to save my biological system. In the beginning it took a long time to spread. I was doing my best to avoid any threat to my self or the greater human population around me. It was a matter of time, though. I'm getting better at this in dreams: I feel less afraid and the adrenaline serves my dream-survival instincts well. There had been looting and I picked up a shot gun.

I had some kind of psychic bond with this little blond haired girl who I babysat in my dream. She was incredibly afraid and I feared her father was infected.

The next thing I remember I'm trying to catch a subway and stumble into a huge flock of white faced, flesh eating motherfuckers. I try to shoot them and keep my distance but I don't remember what happens here. Suddenly I'm outside the little girls house and that domain is pumping fear into me like a wolf does a rabbit. I feel some sort of eerie, powerful, twisted thing emanating from the house. I know I encounter other characters at some point during the dream but it's all hazy and squished together now. I can only remember the most vivid of my experiences. I crawl in through an old opening in the house, probably used as a garbage disposal system before the renovations were done, and make my way into the addict. I can hear the girl crying and whimpering. She was so young, no older than 5 and very beautiful. The complete incarnate of preciousness and innocence.

I couldn't find her father anywhere in the house. Once I found her she was cowering in the room next to the telly, hiding and clutching her favourite stuffed animal. She was terrified of the television; it buzzed incessantly in static, displaying disjointed images of the carnage raging inside the gates of this city.  The girl was very relieved and happy to see me, I could sense my presence made her feel safe. It's really difficult trying to remember what happened, I believe we made it out of the house and down the street to my house, which was more secure and seemed to be a gathering place for loved ones. I believe we ran into a butler of her father's who gave us little trouble. I had to go back to that house for some reason, something very important was left behind.

Crazy dream adventures.

(p.s The Dance Cave above Lee's Palace on Bloor St W is bitchin'. Students don't have to pay cover, drinks are cheap and they play pretty decent music most of the time. Scott, Lee, Kirk and I hit it up last night. A lesbian totally tried to pick me up and gave me her number. At first I thought she thought Scotty was a babe, but then quickly realized she was talking/dancing only with me, at which point she gave me her number and invited me to stay at her house sometime in Oshawa or Oakville or some shit. There was a creepy 30 something looking punk guy givin' me the eye upon first arrival and Scott told me he saw that same creepy guy stick around them/us for the entire night. I didn't even realize he was shadowing us until Scott pointed it out. He was standing behind us the entire night, literally. Kirk was all "Let's fuck him up if he gets too creepy." I've never watched Kirk in a fight but I've heard whiskey tales of Brunswick and Kirk is a wild man with a lot of energy and a wee lust for violence. I realized yesterday that I feel totally secure going anywhere with Scott, Mark Bellany or Kirk. That rule sort of stands with Lee, because I know logically if some crackhead were to try and rape me Lee wouldn't watch, but I have a substantially minor amount of faith and trust in him.
I found out being a girl at a bar means you really don't have to buy cigarettes.
Kirk brought us to the best bar in all of Kensington. Ronny's is the shit. It's really lowly lit, very dank and chill. I thought the place was closed as we walked in, it was very dark. Nice little hole in the wall off of Nassau. It's a total anti-social bar. Where everyone is lined up down Augusta for The Boat, the whole world thinks Ronny's is closed.)